Gorilla Politics and the Grand Old Party

180064 600 - Gorilla Politics and the Grand Old Party

Raging Moderate –
By Will Durst –

A hearty congratulations to conservatives for a seamless transition from party-wide disgust to near unanimous endorsement of a gorilla as their presidential nominee. Considering the tortuous undulations required, this metamorphosis seems to have occurred with shockingly few chiropractic adjustments.

Having indulged in the kind of convoluted contortions that would make a carnival sideshow barker fall madly in love, the convention platform committee might want to propose a change in mascots from the elephant to an eel. One can only hope that our U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team shows up in Rio half this limber.

It was the manner in which they accomplished their harmonious synchronicity that was inspiring. From abhorrent cringing to thoroughly immersed in about a week. Shifting straight out of “Got nothing for you,” into “Color us all-in.” Such severe 180-degree turns were executed, higher-ups would be well advised to check for whiplash.

Here’s how I imagine Republicans explaining how the conversion to inter-species inclusion was achieved:

Yes, we are aware that the choice of a gorilla as a presidential candidate signals a departure from our traditional direction of trudging forward without haste, but our constituents believe this is a game changer. And if they’re game, so are we.

Like many others, we too were initially inclined to speak out against the gorilla but now recognize that a modern electorate demands new perspectives, and have come to the conclusion that there is no reason why our big tent strategy can’t include a striped circus tent.

We’re confident we have a mammal that embodies the values of our party and those he doesn’t, can be easily taught or beaten into him. Although the gorilla’s hygiene habits are problematic, along with speaking through a series of guttural grunts and chest thumping howls, it has become increasingly apparent that his anti- intellectualism reflects the mood of the country today and besides, an 800 pound gorilla sleeps wherever he wants. And he has plenty of bananas.

Frankly we were won over by his cogent arguments and ability to knock dinner plate- sized holes in walls with his fists. And yes, we party leaders may have called it a dangerous precedent when he tore the limbs off primary competitors. But in light of his streak of victories, we look forward to him doing the same to the opposition party candidate.

Though still prone to throw feces at both the media and other conservatives, he has indicated through a series of gestures interpreted by top wildlife experts as a willingness to change and we believe the sense of strength he projects and interest in his mating rituals more than make up for a little mayhem.

Notwithstanding the differences we’ve had in the past, the gorilla is our nominee, and it’s high time this party comes together to support this large primate. It is also encouraging that our excellent slate of down- ticket candidates have shown an enthusiasm for sharing a stage with the nominee and grooming each other.

We’ve had plenty of statesmen in our illustrious past, now it’s time to try an ape. And should this contest not proceed in our favor, for 2020 we’re keeping our eye on a very attractive group of potential aspirants that include 3 rattlesnakes, a rabid musk ox and a whole herd of poisonous bump- nosed lizards.”

5992002C 2A33 4D38 A7D2 22E73BC0DDC4 - Gorilla Politics and the Grand Old Party

——-
Copyright © 2016, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one- man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to willdurst.com.

We hope you enjoyed this article.

Before you continue, I’d like to ask if you could support our independent journalism as we head into one of the most critical news periods of our time in 2024.

The New American Journal is deeply dedicated to uncovering the escalating threats to our democracy and holding those in power accountable. With a turbulent presidential race and the possibility of an even more extreme Trump presidency on the horizon, the need for independent, credible journalism that emphasizes the importance of the upcoming election for our nation and planet has never been greater.

However, a small group of billionaire owners control a significant portion of the information that reaches the public. We are different. We don’t have a billionaire owner or shareholders. Our journalism is created to serve the public interest, not to generate profit. Unlike much of the U.S. media, which often falls into the trap of false equivalence in the name of neutrality, we strive to highlight the lies of powerful individuals and institutions, showing how misinformation and demagoguery can harm democracy.

Our journalists provide context, investigate, and bring to light the critical stories of our time, from election integrity threats to the worsening climate crisis and complex international conflicts. As a news organization with a strong voice, we offer a unique, outsider perspective that is often missing in American media.

Thanks to our unique reader-supported model, you can access the New American journal without encountering a paywall. This is possible because of readers like you. Your support keeps us independent, free from external influences, and accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for news.

Please help if you can.

American journalists need your help more than ever as forces amass against the free press and democracy itself. We must not let the crypto-fascists and the AI bots take over.

See the latest GoFundMe campaign here or click on this image.

watchdog medium1a - Gorilla Politics and the Grand Old Party

Don't forget to listen to the new song and video.

Just because we are not featured on cable TV news talk shows, or TikTok videos, does not mean we are not getting out there in search engines and social media sites. We consistently get over a million hits a month.

Click to Advertise Here

NAJ 2024 traffic Sept - Gorilla Politics and the Grand Old Party